When Life Hands You Roses

"Whatever may be the tensions and the stresses of a particular day, 

there is always lurking close at hand the trailing beauty of forgotten joy or unremembered peace." 

— Howard Thurman

This morning, birds on my phone alarm chirped at an ungodly hour. The night before was filled with heartburn, not sleep. I was readying myself to drive into town for the last final of the semester- math, the most dreaded of all subjects. And yet, the flashbacks to my math midterm never surfaced (picture a 28 year old woman with her hand shielding her face, and teardrops smudging her mascara- and then picture someone who looks nothing like me because I refuse to admit it got that bad). Instead, it could not have been a more peaceful morning.

The early sun was streaming through my windshield, and I took a couple country roads before I reached the city. And then, at the very moment I began to feel anxious, a song came on the radio. It's a song Millie sang in church for Mother's Day, one she's practiced for weeks, getting nearly all the words wrong and melting my heart every time. The piano chords and the thought of her had me blinking back happy tears. Just like that, all was right again. When I pulled in to the school and began the walk inside, I stepped across some fallen leaves that remind me of my mama. She probably doesn't even know it, but I remember asking her what those trees were called years and years ago, and I think of her every time I see them now. I walked into that classroom feeling like I had an army behind me.

I'm not sure yet whether I passed that class- I've gotten As in all my others this year, but math and I have never gotten along. Even so, I'm okay. More than okay, actually. I celebrated with Starbucks as soon as the test was over (and I'm telling you now- do not get the Mocha Cookie Crumble Frappuccino. You will fall into a deep pit of addiction and your life will be run by a cold beverage. Not that I would know. Not that it is now my favorite.). I scanned the radio for something loud to turn up louder, and felt such a deep, sweet peace.

I'm practiced in worry. I'm awesome at doubt. I've walked hand in hand with depression so much of my life that, oftentimes, anything else feels disingenuous. But today felt like a crescendo of so many good things the past few weeks. My husband is finally home. My daughter is the brightest spot in my life. This bony, dancing baby will be looking into my face in six weeks' time. My family and friends are healthy, our pictures are going up on our walls, we're just about out of debt completely, and I finished my first full year of college education today, which is something I wasn't sure I could ever do. I haven't graduated yet, I'll have to brave my labor fears soon, and there's laundry to be folded; but tonight, that's all okay with me. It's really good-soul softening good- to feel that today was a good day, and tonight is a good night, and the future is hopeful.

I don't know how to practice this kind of quiet joy, but I'm so very willing to learn.


P.S. If you haven't entered my giveaway yet, go for it!

Giveaway: Military Wives' Bible

Zondervan contacted me several weeks ago to announce their new release; The Military Wives' NIV New Testament, and I was excited to hear from them. I'll be honest- the Bible I read most often is actually a modern day 'translation' called "The Message".  But it's more of a comfort read and less of a literal translation, which can be important sometimes. This NIV version is easy to read, and it's also packed with lots of extras just for military significant others. They sent me a copy to review, and I was impressed that the devotionals were broad enough for Reserve and Guard wives as well, not just active.

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Great features of this devotional Bible:

"·Special devotions by Jocelyn Green: 60 devotions focus on a specific passage 

with relevance to life as a military spouse.

·Home front heroes: 30 devotional stories illustrate key biblical principles

by the lives of heroes on the American home front.

·Hymns: lyrics to hymns of faith provide words of encouragement, truth, valor, and comfort.

·Basic training: 10 study features guide deeper into God’s word."

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Also, if you have a friend that could use a copy, 
be sure to check out their Buy One, Give One promotion, valid through May 31: 

"With every purchase of the NIV Military Wives’ New Testament with Psalms and Proverbs, 
you will receive an additional copy to share with a friend for free!"

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To get your Buy One, Give One Free copy:

-Visit www.churchsource.com and create an account.

-Add 2 copies of NIV Military Wives’ New Testament with Psalms and Proverbs (9780310421078) to your cart.

-Enter promo code BD5W11 at checkout.

Today, you can win it for yourself, a family member, or a friend; 

Zondervan Bibles will be giving one chambanachik reader their own copy 

of the Military Wives' New Testament. Just enter below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

A Handful of Pearls

"Life is a collection of a million, billion moments, tiny little moments and choices, like a handful of luminous, glowing pearls. It takes so much time, and so much work, and those beads and moments 

are so small, and so much less fabulous and dramatic than the movies. 

But this is what I’m finding, in glimpses and flashes: this is it. This is it, in the best possible way [...] Normal, daily life ticking by on our streets and sidewalks, in our houses and apartments, in our beds
and at our dinner tables, in our dreams and prayers and fights and secrets –
this pedestrian life is the most precious thing any of us will ever experience.” 

― Shauna Niequist

Life has been busy lately. Not so much in the way of pulling out my planner and writing important things in hurried handwriting, but more in the way of expecting. Of preparing. Of building upon the days before and building up to moments even larger.

Of course, the biggest moment of the last couple weeks was this one. Calling to Millie, who was playing quietly in her room, hearing her footsteps dance up the hall until she rounded the corner and saw her daddy. 4 months of being without him melted into shrieks, jumping up and down, and begging for her "piggy-bank" (piggyback) ride before he had a chance to do anything more than take off his boots. And I got the kiss I was waiting for; everything was normal and okay and right with the world that night.

The days have been filled with small things, too. Homework assignment upon homework assignment as the semester wraps up, and I've nearly forgotten what it's like to not have something due any particular night. Mostly, it's good, though. It stretches and grows me, in endurance if not knowledge.

We're slowly wading through the unpacking of boxes and hanging of pictures in this apartment. It's becoming a bit more like home every day.

I'm opening the door to the baby's room nearly every day now. Some days, I organize something I feel has to be done right this minute, and other days I open it just to remind myself of it all. This room will be occupied very soon, and by someone I will love very much. It's almost hard to take in sometimes, just as it was with Millie. And then, in a matter of days, I know I'll forget what it was like when it was just her.

But for these last seven weeks, it's still Millie and me. She's the best sidekick I could hope for, and I can't wait to see her as a big sister. I know, between two babies, I'll have no sleep but so much love. If there is anything worthy of losing sleep over, it's hugging little ones with my cheeks and his eyes.

Life is good. It's settling into itself again, in a soothing, soft lull. Today, I met friends for lunch and Millie had a pancake date with Daddy. Those moments are all I can ask for, really. I cannot think of anything to add to my days, and that feels wonderful. Life is quiet but steady, gentle but sweeping. Every day has been full, but in a reassuring way.

Oh...and did I mention the homework?

Today

"Congratulations!

Today is your day.

You're off to Great Places!

You're off and away!" 

— Dr. Seuss

Today, Sky is changing from his PTs to ACUs to Class As and to civilian clothes all in a matter of a couple hours. He's got places to be and things to get done. He has bags to pack and a car to stuff full.

Because today, Sky graduates from AIT.

And tomorrow, he'll be home.

Congratulations, babe. See you soon.

Labor Day

"Behind every beautiful thing, there's some kind of pain." 

— Bob Dylan

I'm not usually afraid. I can get shots, blood draws, or IVs all day long and not wince. I've gotten a tattoo and it only made me want more. (Okay, okay, it's a really small tattoo. But it still involved a needle!) But this? This is my Mount Everest.

I was terrified of labor the first time around. Everyone tried to ease my fears by reminding me that many mothers purposefully choose to have more than one child, so it must not be that bad. The problem is, I have an unusually crystal clear memory when it comes to that time between my water breaking and holding Millie for our first meeting...and for me? It was that bad.

My labor was 22 hours long, which feels long to say but really isn't when I compare it with what many other moms I know have gone through. When I met with my doula last month, she asked me if I had had the kind of labor I wanted (which, by the way, sounds like a silly question had I not gone through it, but makes perfect sense now). And I said no. I was doing fine and going slow, and it wasn't fast enough for the hospital. So I was pumped with Pitocin, something I absolutely did not want, and the pain became unbearable. After hours of that pain, I couldn't handle it and begged for an epidural, also something I didn't plan to have. They used a vacuum and forceps at the end. Their idea of cheering me on was to tell me that if the vacuum didn't work by the third try, I would be having a C-section.

That experience was just about the opposite of everything I had written on my birth plan. I wanted things to be as gentle as possible and as natural as possible. Of course, the point of labor is to have a healthy baby, and Millie was 100% perfect. And yes, as soon as I heard her first cry, the pain was irrelevant because I had had my baby and nothing else mattered.

But it matters now. It matters so much that it's honestly hard for me to write this post, because I avoid thinking about the fact that I will have to go through the labor process again. I am scared to death, you guys. Second time moms always seem so confident and assured, but I think I am more afraid this time than I was with Millie because I actually know what to expect. People have tried to calm me by saying after the first baby, labor time can be cut in half, but 11 hours of that kind of pain hardly seems easy. Then there are those people who tell me how their labors really weren't so bad, and all I can think is, "Then you have this baby for me!" I know that pain is so subjective, and there isn't a fair way to compare it, so all I can do is go by my experience- and it was less than pleasant, to put it mildly.

I'm so glad I'll have a doula. I'm glad Sky will be there, and I'm glad my mom could possibly be there as well. All the support in the world can't take the pain away, unfortunately. I can tell myself that it is temporary, and, of course, that the reward is greater than anything, but I'm finding it so hard to brace myself for it. As much as I felt like a superhero in those moments after it was all over, I felt the opposite of that for 22 hours. I don't know how to plan for that again.